Kandoo, Can't Flush!

When you're potty training your child there are these "Pampers Kandoo" wipes that are supposedly flushable.

Yeah.

Not so much.

This is the second time this year I've found myself up to my shoulders in... sewage... and cursing like a pirate (an angry pirate).

After the first incident, I placed sensors on the basement floor near the ejector pit drain so I would be alerted (if I happened to be home) in the case of an ejector pump malfunction. The good thing about such a malfunction is, if it's going to happen, you'll probably be at home. This is because only the below ground toilets, sinks and washers drain into such a pit.

The bad news is that the toilet drains into the pit.

Now, as far as the "Kandoo" wipes, see, the deal is, these crappy things are only "flushable" if you flush them in a toilet that DOES NOT drain into an ejector pump/pit, and if we would have read the fine print, we would have known this. If you DO flush them into an ejector pit (below ground level), they'll simply collect in the pit until they finally clog the pump. (And, in case I haven't been clear, a clogged ejector pump is not a good thing.)

That's when the bubblin' crude comes up from the ground and you have to run down to the basement and start hacking through PVC with whatever saw you happen to grab first. I grabbed a wood saw, which did the job.

Then you open the pit up and pull the pump out, and reach in with your bare hands to unclog the mess. Oh, you should probably unplug the pump first, so your fingers don't get ground to shreds... I at least had the sense to do this.

I did not have the sense to, after removing the clog, test the pump properly. Maybe the constant dry-heaving caused some logic problems with my brain. For the record, you shouldn't "test" your ejector pump to make sure it works without all the PVC connected. Well, that is, unless you want to have crap blasted all over your body at a high velocity. If you happen to enjoy being pelted by liquid shit at high speeds then by all means, go for it.

I plugged it back in with the cut-off PVC sticking out of the sewage pit. That's when the liquid sewage pelted my head and face and legs at a very high speed. "Oh Dear Lord," I moaned, "It's everywhere... Oh my God... It's in my ears."

By the way: I threw away the ladel that I used to scoop out all the other "Kandoos" in the pit. I just couldn't put a number on how many times it would have to be washed before I would consider using it with my food.

I guess if there's a moral to the story it's this: Being a man, husband, father and homeowner can be fulfilling, but there are those times when you just end up covered in shit.